Today I moved Betty Blue, my much loved snowball microphone, to a higher shelf and away from curious little fingers. I sighed as I did so and thought about the thing on my To Do list that just keeps finding itself back at the bottom. I've tried several times to set aside the time, rewritten show notes countless times and stated 'I am going to record' in various tweets and blog posts in the hope that sheer determinism alone will get it done. It's not happening.
Today as I sit exhausted and praying my fiesty daughter sleeps as much as possible, I feel sad at my lost podcast. I miss sharing news and the interaction that came from it. I can't believe I really haven't recorded since March.
It's becoming another thing with which to torture myself with though. As a self employed mum of a more than slightly lively 10 month old I should realise time just evaporates. It's hard enough to find time to buy bread some days and yet I'm filling Pinterest with all the sewing projects I want to make and will get to write after I learn to actually see, obviously. My grasp on how gentle to be to myself has never been that good you see.
I'm grinding myself into a dead end. Today I'm so tired I had to narrate making a cup of tea as I couldn't follow the steps correctly. I asked the lady at the green grocers for the 'that.... Thing..... Green.... No..... Yes..... Apple' (it was an avocado). Months of sorting our family home, learning to work with very little child care and heck, just being a mum, has taken its toll. I need to stop killing myself to cram more in to every last second of free time that I have.
So I polished Betty to cheer me up and show her that I still loved her but took an entry off my To Do list. I added 'just breathe' instead.